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jennariaStill staying off Tumblr and Facebook for at least another day. But it's maybe...it's not better. But the paralysis is starting to wear off.
How the hell to explain where I am.
Yesterday, bright and (relatively) early, my department at Hogwarts had an all-office meeting. Not election-related, just the regular monthly all-office meeting, with free breakfast provided. My department is mostly women. One man, gay, recently married. One Muslim woman. Four African-American women, who work for a separate sub-department than I do: I know them to say hi in the break room, but not much more than that. The rest of us white, or white-passing. There's only maybe a dozen of us total: we all fit around a large conference room table with our free pastry and fruit salad.
Usually there's a bit of chit-chat, and then our bosses call us to order, and we talk about what we're doing and what we've accomplished. Yesterday, the Head Boss-Lady was running late, so we talked for longer than usual.
Most of us were tired. Most of us had stayed up late, watching election results, or woken up early to check and couldn't get back to sleep. Most of us were crying - not big, or noisy, but the kind of tears that leak out even when you try to choke them back. I'm so scared, somebody else said, and she got murmured agreement from half the room.
Today, walking back along the hallway where we keep all our files, I ran into the African-American woman who sat next to me yesterday, and offered me tissues when my tears got all over my glasses. "How are you doing today?" she asked.
I thought for a moment. "Okay, I guess."
"Better?"
"A little. You?"
She shrugged. "One day at a time," she said.
I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if I'll be able to hang onto this vestige of courage I've found. I don't know how to be useful without using myself up. All I can do is try, and hope, and try not to lose that hope.
...still staying off Facebook, though.
How the hell to explain where I am.
Yesterday, bright and (relatively) early, my department at Hogwarts had an all-office meeting. Not election-related, just the regular monthly all-office meeting, with free breakfast provided. My department is mostly women. One man, gay, recently married. One Muslim woman. Four African-American women, who work for a separate sub-department than I do: I know them to say hi in the break room, but not much more than that. The rest of us white, or white-passing. There's only maybe a dozen of us total: we all fit around a large conference room table with our free pastry and fruit salad.
Usually there's a bit of chit-chat, and then our bosses call us to order, and we talk about what we're doing and what we've accomplished. Yesterday, the Head Boss-Lady was running late, so we talked for longer than usual.
Most of us were tired. Most of us had stayed up late, watching election results, or woken up early to check and couldn't get back to sleep. Most of us were crying - not big, or noisy, but the kind of tears that leak out even when you try to choke them back. I'm so scared, somebody else said, and she got murmured agreement from half the room.
Today, walking back along the hallway where we keep all our files, I ran into the African-American woman who sat next to me yesterday, and offered me tissues when my tears got all over my glasses. "How are you doing today?" she asked.
I thought for a moment. "Okay, I guess."
"Better?"
"A little. You?"
She shrugged. "One day at a time," she said.
I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if I'll be able to hang onto this vestige of courage I've found. I don't know how to be useful without using myself up. All I can do is try, and hope, and try not to lose that hope.
...still staying off Facebook, though.